'Parenting' Category
Thank you, Holly.
I needed this post today.
Purposeful Parenting
I'm not sure where I've been the past eleven years. I guess I've been somewhat asleep at the wheel or something. But I got smacked upside the head with a revelation the other day.
I need to parent on purpose.
Now, that may be a no-brainer for many of you, but the phrase "purposeful parenting" just sort of hit me, and it has given me lots to think about!
What do I mean by that anyway? I think mostly it means that I have to do certain things to make sure they happen. I can't just expect them to happen. For example, when I look back on my childhood, it's filled with all sorts of neat memories: feeding the ducks at the park, climbing the coal pile in my grandparents' backyard (even though we weren't supposed to...oops), going to Sea World, walking down the street to my dad's work to visit him, catching fireflies and putting them in a jar. I want my children's childhoods to be equally filled with great family memories too. Except it hit me that I can't just expect those memories to happen...I need to be proactive and make them happen. I need to step out a bit and arrange for them. Certainly neat adventures can occur even without our planning, but some things, like neat trips, need to be arranged ahead of time. And I need to actually do that now and then.
Granted, 3 1000-mile-plus moves do lend to "adventure," but a little variety now and then would be nice.
It does get a bit tricky though...let's face it, just going to the movies with 6 children costs a small fortune. And what doesn't cost a lot moneywise can simply be a hassle or at the very least, extremely difficult to maneuver, when you have 6 children ages 11 down to almost 11 months.
Yet I'm being convicted more and more that I need to actively pursue these things. I need to seek out ways to engage my children and find things to encourage happy memories. I want them to look back on their childhood with fondness. So I need to do things on purpose, rather than living in constant survival mode. I do not want them to look back and think, "Wow, Mom and Dad were pretty much strung out all the time."
I'd love to hear some ideas for creating memorable moments in your family! They may or may not work for us (for example, reading aloud is always a huge flop around here...my kids are just no fun when it comes to that ROFLOL), but they might spark some ideas for me, or they might work for someone else to read! So please share!
It’s going to be a long day.
The baby swing.
Died.
Questioning Courtship [Part 1]
I first learned about the idea of courtship about 8-9 years ago, I think. I happened to hear Josh Harris on “FamilyLife Today” or “Focus on the Family” one day. His story was so intriguing and compelling. I’m not sure if he used the word “courtship” specifically, but I do remember thinking that his reasoning for “kissing dating goodbye” made sense to me. After all, I had experienced the heartache of break-ups with boyfriends prior to my husband, and I also had SEVERAL regrets of the manner in which I had conducted myself in those relationships. So Josh’s story rang true with me, and this whole idea…
Expectations
I'm part of a small homeschool group at my church. We moms meet once a month. This year we have been going through the book Homeschooling with a Meek and Quiet Spirit by Teri Maxwell. I've read it in the past, found it "OK," and just sort of went on. But this go around some new things have been sticking out to me.
This past week we were discussing the chapter on anger. One section that hit me square between the eyes was entitled "High Goals, Low Expectations."
I can almost be assured that if I become angry with a child, it is because my expectations match my goals for him. It is essential that we have high, godly goals for our children. We want to lead them to the best of their ability spiritually and educationally. However, in this process of moving toward the goals, we must keep our expectation lower than those goals. When I expect my child to have reached a high goal, then I am likely to become angry with him if he hasn't. On the other hand, if I expect my child to have not yet reached the goal, then my spirit is at peace with the training and teaching process as we strive to reach those goals.
It is so much a matter of perspective. The Lord has given us a definite role in our children's lives. If they are spiritually and educationally mature as children, then why are we to train them up? Why are we told to discipline them? It is because children will spend their childhoods working toward the "high goals" the Lord has set for them. They will make progress toward those goals, but it may not be as quick or discernable as we would like it to be. Aren't we glad the Lord doesn't get angry with us every time we fall short of His goals for us?
More often than not, they don't deliberately choose not to do what we have told them in the past. It just doesn't occur to them at the moment; they are still children. If my expectation is that they probably will forget and I will need to remind them, then it is okay. I am expecting to do my "job." However, if I have expected them to remember and they don't, I will be angry with them.
I have trained my children to make their beds in the morning, get dressed, and straighten up their rooms. That is my goal for them. However, my expectation is that they might not have done some or all of these jobs. My husband and I have set consequences for the various parts that might have been neglected. This frees me from anger. I can inspect their morning work and not be angry if the goal wasn't met. I am prepared to deal with it. I am also delighted to praise a good job.
I can't tell you how many times I have said to my husband in exasperation, "Am I just expecting too much?!?!?!?!" And I think that yes, I have. Another lady in the group expressed the same sort of realization as I did. We both have very high standards for our children, since we all know that children will rise to meet said standard, no matter how high OR low. But what we've seemed to miss is what Mrs. Maxwell wrote about. We've expected them to reach that standard immediately or at least after just a couple reminders/consequences. But instead we should be fully prepared in our minds that they WILL fail and that we WILL have to discipline in some form or fashion (even if it's as simple as a reminder), so that we can help them reach that standard, yet without getting angry/frustrated that they haven't reached it already.
As I've pondered this, I've realized that I do this in other areas as well. I don't know if I'd classify my response as "anger," but at the very least it's disappointment. Whether it be something that my husband doesn't do (that I expect him to) or just something in LIFE that I expect that doesn't happen, it seems that I'm usually disappointed.
I can honestly say that my expectations aren't TOO high either - I don't expect my husband to work full-time, change every diaper when he's home, rub my feet every night, AND take the kids to the park every weekend. So I'm trying to learn to expect NOTHING so that everything that does happen is a bonus. 
I will say that one area that is hard for me though is how to remain positive and hopeful about things while at the same time not setting myself up for disappointment due to having too high expectations (even if they aren't really all that high). I'm not a pessimistic person, so it goes against my nature to look to the future and think, "This is as good as it will ever get; dh will always be away from us this often; I'll never have a close in-real-life friend." I tend to think the opposite things and that basically our circumstances are just a "blip" on the radar. Although I do have to admit that this "blip" has been going on now for nearly 6 years.
But I keep on holding on and holding on, remaining hopeful and optimistic.I can see how that can be a GOOD thing, don't get me wrong! Yet I find myself disappointed when either the circumstances just don't change OR get worse. What has really been a bummer in the past is when things have been bad, something happens that I think will improve things DRAMATICALLY, only for things to be a tad bit better, if they're better at all.
So I'm trying to work out just how I need to approach these hopes/dreams/expectations so that I don't turn into a sour grouch while at the same time not expecting things so much that I'm perpetually disappointed when they don't occur.
Feeling kinda poorly lately…
Very tired and nauseous. Been going on for 4.5 weeks now.
Psa 127:3-5
(3) Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward.
(4) Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth.
(5) Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.
I'm very pleased to announce that #6 is due to arrive somewhere around June 10, 2007.
Moms for Modesty
I know that I'm not the only mom who is tired of digging through all the "hoochie-wear" to find something acceptable for her daughter to wear. It is even worse now that my oldest is wearing size 7 dresses and is officially in "big girl" sizes. In most stores (even Sears!), the big girls department is the "Hoochie Mama" department. I loathe shopping for her because it just disgusts me.
Unfortunately even "Christian" clothing manufacturers don't get it. Exhibit A:
I've seen girls wearing these (and they ain't LOOSE T-shirts either), and I think, "OK, y'all just DON'T GET IT."
So I hereby join with the other Moms for Modesty mommies and agree wholeheartedly with their Mission Statement!
An epiphany about the Pearls
(resulting from their latest newsletter)
I hear the following frequently about Michael and Debi Pearl's materials:
"Well of course there are things I disagree with. But there is a lot of good in there too."
I don't buy the 27% fat ground beef for a reason. It may have been made from a younger cow, but it's pretty much a waste of my time and energy to buy it because it so full of fat. I am paying for all that fat that just drains out of the beef. My "pound" of ground beef isn't as meaty as my pound of ground beef from say, 12% fat beef. So I don't buy it.
The same goes for the Pearls' materials. There may be some good in them. I don't deny that one bit. But there is just so much bad that it becomes a waste of time and brain power to read them.
If I want to get wheat out of a bag of wheat, do I choose the bag that is mostly chaff? No.
Related Tags: Michael Pearl, No Greater Joy, Created To Be His Help Meet
Outsourcing
Outsourcing drives me nuts. I hate calling Dell and knowing full well that the person I'm going to speak to is not even in the western hemisphere and is not able to be understood.
But this article is somewhat appalling.
Like a stomach virus in a first-grade classroom, outsourcing is now spreading rapidly into other avenues of our society. Recently, I’ve learned about “parental outsourcing” – where parents are hiring others to do what have traditionally been parental chores.
For instance, there is the Booty Camp in Illinois that teaches toddlers to be potty-trained. And no, I’m not making that up – it’s called Booty Camp.
Yes, Booty Camp.
A five-hour session of Booty Camp costs $200. I will now type that again for my own amusement: Booty Camp.
Then there are “personal shoppers” – Moms hire these people for $75 an hour to assist in their daughter’s shopping frenzy.
And then there is SOS (Study and Organizational Skills). You can hire SOS to clean and organize your child’s room while they are away at fencing practice or Booty Camp. Certainly, children can’t be expected to arrange their ascots and jodhpurs by themselves. That should be the work of professionals.
The most intriguing, and perhaps disturbing, of the parental outsourcing services I’ve found is the one where you pay a guy $50 an hour to teach your child to ride a bike.
He's got that right! It IS disturbing! But I wonder if, in several years, the same cry that we homeschoolers hear all the time will be heard by parents who choose to teach their own children how to ride a bike:
"Only a professional can teach a child to ride a bike."
A new article about the Pearls
Parenting guru is revered, reviled (Hat Tip: Laurie)
Y'all know I'm not a Pearl fan, but this article is most definitely biased. It's informative and interesting, but biased. (And i found some blatantly inaccurate information as well.) So look out.
However,
That's how Lynn Paddock, a Johnston County mother accused of beating her children with plastic plumbing supply line and suffocating the youngest, learned of Pearl's child-training methods, according to her attorney Michael Reece.
When this story first broke, I was under the impression that she beat her children with PVC pipe, which the Pearl supporters railed about, saying that that is NOT what Pearl advised. I remember when I read To Train Up a Child, I couldn't figure out just what "plumbing line" was. I kept thinking it was PVC pipe. I asked my husband recently what "plumbling line" was. He said PVC pipe as well. As it turns out, it's something like the supply line to an ice maker for a refrigerator. Apparently that is what Lynn Paddock was using after all (or so it seems). Who knows? All I know is that I could totally understand PVC pipe because that's what I thought he was talking about. As Ann shared, clarification is sorely needed.
The child who caused me to grow
is 4 today. This morning when I woke up, I called him into my room and just spent time praying for him and snuggling with him. I ADORE him.
But it didn't start out that way.
Let me start at the beginning.
When L (#3) was about 6 months old, I remember praying about our family size. I don't think I was stressed out or anything like that, but I felt like our family was complete. I had 2 boys and a girl, and I just felt DONE. No particular reason...I just knew that the Lord wasn't going to send us any more children, since we were done. Plain and simple.
I also knew that since our family was complete, and since the Lord is in control, we wouldn't need to do anything to "make sure" we didn't have any more children. I knew that I simply wouldn't get pregnant again. No biggie.
But just in case, I prayed that the Lord would give me a bigger space between kids next time. The space between #1 and #2 is almost 17 months, and the space between #2 and #3 is 22.5 months.
God has a sense of humor.
I have an online friend, and pretty much every time she gets pregnant, it turns out that I get pregnant shortly thereafter. (Until recently - she just had another baby, and I'm still not pregnant LOL!) Well, she IMed me and told me she was pregnant, and I laughed at her. I had started spotting that day, so I knew that I wasn't expecting. Well, the laugh was on me because about a day after my spotting started, it stopped. I'd had that happen before...when I was pregnant with C (#2).
Uh oh.....
Yup, baby #4 was on the way. And remember my prayer about the spacing? He was due when #3 was 21.5 months old.
At the time, dh was training for his new job and home only on weekends. (It did make determining the due date to be VERY easy LOL!!!) He was gone for 12 weeks, then he proceeded to spend the next 2 years away more than he was home. I was in a new town and knew NO ONE except my in-laws, and they didn't know I was pregnant. All in all it was a pretty bad situation.
Suffice it to say...I was NOT thrilled to find out I was expecting a baby. When I told dh, he cried. I did too, but he cried because he was so happy. I was not. When I heard the heartbeat for the first time, I didn't feel joy. I felt dread.
My hormones went nutso. That, combined with my life circumstances, introduced me to the world of severe depression. I spent the next few months visiting a Christian counselor. She honestly wasn't much help. Her solutions to my depression were to stop having kids (since, doncha know, they cause all problems) and to stop homeschooling. *sigh*I knew my new baby was a girl because my pregnancy was EXACTLY like my one with my girl. I was very nauseous, gained weight the same, etc. God surprised me again because when I went for my ultrasound I saw that I had a VERY PROUD little boy in there. When the tech put the transducer on my belly, I said, "Is that what I think it is?" The tech said, "Yup, it's a boy!" After that, every time we looked at OTHER body parts - his head, heart, etc. - he showed us his little boy part. Other techs came in to look at things, and they took one look at the screen and could see it was a boy. I'm so glad I wanted to know, because I would have anyway!
And I am glad I found out, because I would have gone my entire pregnancy thinking I was having another girl. I would have been in for a HUGE shock!!!
At 26 weeks I started on Zoloft, which was a lifesaver for me. No longer was my 4yo finding me on the floor in the fetal position and asking me, "Why are you crying, Mommy?" Jesus became so real to me during that time. Unfortunately it just made me want to go home to Him all the more. Not a good thing when it comes to depression!
But once the meds kicked in, at least I wasn't wishing I were dead anymore.So.....the pregnancy progressed. I was huge and miserable. You know, the usual.
I had made an appointment for a developmental evaluation for C for 3 days before my due date. I always went overdue, so I knew I wouldn't have any problem keeping this appointment. That was a good thing because they were so full that they booked appointments 6 months away.Saturday, April 20th, rolled around. The day before my dh's birthday. 6 days BEFORE my due date. I woke up at 5 am to go to the bathroom, and I suspected that my water was leaking. I was having some contractions as well, but nothing major. So around 7 I told dh that he might be getting a birthday present. His eyes popped wide open. LOL!
Long story short...yes, it was labor. We drove the hour and 15 minutes to the hospital, and on the way dh said he was starting to get achey. By the time we saw the midwife for a check, ate lunch, then got to the hospital, he had a splitting headache and felt awful. He just sat in the recliner while I walked around the L&D department with each of my little ones. My mom and in-laws showed up, and we were all just hanging out.
The nurse came in at one point and said to dh, "You look worse every time I come in here." She took his temperature, and it was 102 something. Well. That put a crimp in our plans. The nurses didn't want him there because they didn't want to catch whatever he had. I didn't want him there because I didn't want the baby to catch whatever he had. I knew he would be absolutely NO help to me whatsoever. So my fil drove him home, my mil drove my van home with the kids, and my mom stayed with me.
My labor with J was totally different than my previous 3. It actually progressed without a problem. My water broke on its own. It was actually pretty easy. My water broke at 5 pm, things kicked into high gear, and at about 6 I called dh and told him that the baby was going to be there before his birthday...sorry!
Meanwhile, all I could think was, This is NOT what I was wanting to be doing today! I still was not ready for another baby. Sure our stuff at home was ready (sort of...nowadays we don't get stuff set up till the baby comes home LOL!), but my heart was not ready for another baby.
J was born at 6:40 pm. He was my smallest baby at 7 lbs. 14 oz. His head circumference was 14.5", but my midwife was SOOOOOOOOO awesome, and I didn't end up needing any stitches. (My mom became a believer in midwives that day.
)I remember being SO TIRED after he was born, and I just wasn't in the mood to deal with a new baby I didn't want, especially with my dh sick at home. J didn't read the book that tells about babies not being hungry till they're about 2-3 days old, which corresponds with when mom's milk comes in, and he screamed in hunger from the get go. I was not amused.
But then.
God. Stepped. In.
With my other kids, I never had that "fall in love" moment. I just loved them but never had that "WOW" moment where I fell head over heels with them. When J was 2 days old, I experienced it with him. I can't explain it, but in an instant I went from not wanting another baby to ADORING this little guy with the funky swirl in his hairline over his forehead.
And people say that God isn't real. HA.
J is somewhat rotten, probably because I did spoil him a bit. I think I went a bit overboard with him.
He is lively and STRONG-WILLED and so affectionate. My other kids love physical touch, but they are usually wanting to receive affection. He wants to GIVE it.He is so moody and would argue with a wall, but he loves to sing songs in church. He loves to sing, period - he literally has been singing since before he could talk.
He has caused me to rethink lots of my theories on parenting, and I've had to really question whether I was parenting Biblically or whether I was parenting according to some "method" that called itself a Biblical parenting method. I had to realize that some thing simpy work for some kids and not for others. He keeps me on my knees, that is for sure!!!
I still don't know quite how to handle some of his "issues," and there are times when I'm flat-out scared about some things. But I know Who does know how to handle them, and I know that He loves this little boy wayyyyyyyy more than even I do. And I am SO THANKFUL that God did not give me what I wanted and asked for. He gave me J, which is MORE than what I wanted and asked for.
On Pearls and Perfectionism
Ann at Choosing Home sums up my thoughts EXACTLY. Especially this:
Each reader brings his/her own history to the page, which causes each to read the words very differently. Which means a writer, one who sets themselves in the position of a teacher, such as the Pearls, must write with great care:
“Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly.” James 3:1
Thus, a writer must go to great measures to painstakingly and repeatedly clarify their teachings —for s/he knows not the history and glasses with which the reader may be reading the words…and how their words may be applied.And I offer that for a significant sector of readers the writings of Michael and Debi Pearl fail to clearly offer consistently helpful, Biblical, parenting direction.
As a Mama who read Pearl’s and attempted to implement their teachings, I suggest:
1. Their writings lack clarity.
2. Their writings create sufficient confusion to potentially lead well-meaning, loving parents into abusive discipline.
3. Their writings belittle those who do not subscribe to their paradigm which may cause a parent to doubt any of their own, personal misgivings with Pearl teaching…which is, again, potentially dangerous.I have found this to be true with anything I've ever read by the Pearls. The standard response seems to be, "Oh well what they MEANT was....." My response to that? Then they should have SAID WHAT THEY MEANT. Another common response is, "Well, you just need to use common sense." My response? What about the parents who either 1) lack common sense, 2) have been told that what the Pearls teach is the Biblical way and trumps "common sense," since after all, common sense is "worldly," or 3) both.
I have been approached to become an affiliate of The Old Schoolhouse magazine and have a banner on my site. I'm not advocating a boycott of them or homeschoolblogger, however, until TOS stops defending the Pearls and begins examining the concerns, I will NOT be affiliating myself with them. (I do think the call for a boycott is dumb, but I personally am not comfortable doing business with them in any way.)
I applaud Ann for speaking out, and I thank her for vocalizing my thoughts.
