I first learned about the idea of courtship about 8-9 years ago, I think. I happened to hear Josh Harris on "FamilyLife Today" or "Focus on the Family" one day. His story was so intriguing and compelling. I'm not sure if he used the word "courtship" specifically, but I do remember thinking that his reasoning for "kissing dating goodbye" made sense to me. After all, I had experienced the heartache of break-ups with boyfriends prior to my husband, and I also had SEVERAL regrets of the manner in which I had conducted myself in those relationships. So Josh's story rang true with me, and this whole idea of something OTHER than dating sounded like something I'd want to pursue with my children...someday, since my oldest was no older than 2 at the time. I knew that that could be investigated later and that other things would take priority in the meantime.

Due to other beliefs I held at that time (and do still hold...depends on the belief LOL), I became a part of a few message boards and e-mail groups that held similar beliefs. I'd say that probably 90% of the people in these groups were striving for a courtship model for their children rather than a dating model. Some of the parents had followed a courtship model themselves. So as I've "hung out" (virtually, anyway) with these people for the past 8-9 years, I've learned a lot about how courtship is practiced and why. I've never read any books...as I said, I knew that I had quite some time before I was faced with dealing with this, and in the meantime we needed to potty train, learn how to tie shoes, learn to read, etc. Learning the finer points of courtship would have to wait, but in the meantime I'd just absorb what I could whenever others talked about it.

But recently I've begun to question some of those finer points. Part of it may be the cynic in me...I tend to question a LOT of things. ;-) But part of it I know is because I've seen how courtship has played out in the lives of some people I know...and although I do believe that the courtship model was followed correctly, the results were NOT good. Watching these experiences has really made me question just if this is truly the "biblical way" for two people to meet and marry.

Now, before you tune me out altogether and write me off as "worldly," "liberal," or "unbiblical," hear me out. ;-) I am NOT saying that the typical dating scene is what I want for my children. I'm not saying that it's OK to date around so people can experience different things and different people and different personality types. I'm not saying that purity shouldn't be sought after. What I AM saying, or rather asking, is, is courtship the way it is commonly taught the ONLY way to avoid the pitfalls of the modern dating scene?

Probably one of the first negative stories I heard is from a friend of mine whose parents got to know her future husband before she did. Once he was "approved," they introduced her to him, and to make a long story VERY short, they were married and had some children. He turned out to be a psychopath - I AM NOT EXAGGERATING, I looked up the definition, and he fits it. Have you ever seen Sleeping with the Enemy? If you subtract out the physical abuse and add in spiritual abuse, you have this guy. VERY, VERY SCARY. And yet, since they courted rather than dated, it shouldn't have turned out this way.

Another thing that courtship is supposed to prevent is heartache, since part of the "issue" is that the couple guards their feelings until they are sure that the other one is The One. Another friend of mine began to get to know a guy. I'm not sure if they were "officially" courting, but it was definitely headed that way, and that was the purpose behind them getting to know each other. It turned out that he is a Complete Jerk, as is his father. This girl and those of us on the sidelines watching were so thankful that she was able to find out sooner than later how horrid this guy (and his family) is, BUT my friend was still heartbroken. She had already begun to care for this guy and was excited about the prospect of courting him and possibly marrying him. Perhaps she was "breaking the rules" of courtship by allowing herself to have feelings for him too soon??? I don't know, but still...she was hurt.

I've seen ladies who have extensive lists detailing the qualities they are looking for in a husband, and they (with their parents' full support) refused to even consider a man who did not meet these criteria. (I've heard of men who have similar lists, but since I'm personally acquainted with more ladies than men, that's why I'm using ladies as the example.) These qualities are not things like similar doctrine, gentle, kind, etc. These are qualities like anti-vaccination, pro-homebirth, stating that he will never require her to work outside the home under ANY circumstances, etc. I've heard of parents asking for copies of a checklist from other parents so they can get ideas as they create their own checklist. These checklists are designed to weed out the "unsuitables."

I've heard of a courtship story that goes something like this: I met her father back in such-and-such year, and was so impressed with him. What a man of God! So in blah-blah year I asked his permission to court his daughter.

I've heard of situations in which the couple barely knew each other, but since others (parents, friends, whomever) were convinced that they were right for each other (after praying about it), they agreed to court and marry. And yet they didn't love each other and barely even knew each other. The main things they knew about each other were things they had learned from their friends about how godly and wonderful the other was. And yet I have another friend whose husband is Mr. Perfect when he is around friends and Mr. Controlling Abusive Psychopath when it's just the two of them. So how a person is around people isn't necessarily who he/she truly IS.

So this is what caused the niggling questions to begin. I fully realize that experience doesn't negate the Word of God, nor should we evaluate the Word of God with our experience. However, these experiences caused me to question the courtship movement as it is currently being taught and whether *it* (the courtship movement) holds true to the Word of God.

I was chatting with a friend one day, and we weren't even talking about this, and she asked me if I'd ever heard of Robin Phillips. Apparently his parents have written one of "the" books in the courtship movement. (I've never read it though, since I've never read any of them LOL.) He disagrees with their conclusions and has written a book of his own, which examines the movement and holds its teachings up to Scripture. It's all available online. I printed it, and it took a lot of paper, but it was a good read. Do I agree with all that he wrote? Of course not. ;-) It could use some heavy proofreading too LOL. But he raises some excellent points. In Part 2 I'd like to examine some of those points.