I'm part of a small homeschool group at my church. We moms meet once a month. This year we have been going through the book Homeschooling with a Meek and Quiet Spirit by Teri Maxwell. I've read it in the past, found it "OK," and just sort of went on. But this go around some new things have been sticking out to me.

This past week we were discussing the chapter on anger. One section that hit me square between the eyes was entitled "High Goals, Low Expectations."

I can almost be assured that if I become angry with a child, it is because my expectations match my goals for him. It is essential that we have high, godly goals for our children. We want to lead them to the best of their ability spiritually and educationally. However, in this process of moving toward the goals, we must keep our expectation lower than those goals. When I expect my child to have reached a high goal, then I am likely to become angry with him if he hasn't. On the other hand, if I expect my child to have not yet reached the goal, then my spirit is at peace with the training and teaching process as we strive to reach those goals.

It is so much a matter of perspective. The Lord has given us a definite role in our children's lives. If they are spiritually and educationally mature as children, then why are we to train them up? Why are we told to discipline them? It is because children will spend their childhoods working toward the "high goals" the Lord has set for them. They will make progress toward those goals, but it may not be as quick or discernable as we would like it to be. Aren't we glad the Lord doesn't get angry with us every time we fall short of His goals for us?

More often than not, they don't deliberately choose not to do what we have told them in the past. It just doesn't occur to them at the moment; they are still children. If my expectation is that they probably will forget and I will need to remind them, then it is okay. I am expecting to do my "job." However, if I have expected them to remember and they don't, I will be angry with them.

I have trained my children to make their beds in the morning, get dressed, and straighten up their rooms. That is my goal for them. However, my expectation is that they might not have done some or all of these jobs. My husband and I have set consequences for the various parts that might have been neglected. This frees me from anger. I can inspect their morning work and not be angry if the goal wasn't met. I am prepared to deal with it. I am also delighted to praise a good job.

I can't tell you how many times I have said to my husband in exasperation, "Am I just expecting too much?!?!?!?!" And I think that yes, I have. Another lady in the group expressed the same sort of realization as I did. We both have very high standards for our children, since we all know that children will rise to meet said standard, no matter how high OR low. But what we've seemed to miss is what Mrs. Maxwell wrote about. We've expected them to reach that standard immediately or at least after just a couple reminders/consequences. But instead we should be fully prepared in our minds that they WILL fail and that we WILL have to discipline in some form or fashion (even if it's as simple as a reminder), so that we can help them reach that standard, yet without getting angry/frustrated that they haven't reached it already.

As I've pondered this, I've realized that I do this in other areas as well. I don't know if I'd classify my response as "anger," but at the very least it's disappointment. Whether it be something that my husband doesn't do (that I expect him to) or just something in LIFE that I expect that doesn't happen, it seems that I'm usually disappointed. :-( I can honestly say that my expectations aren't TOO high either - I don't expect my husband to work full-time, change every diaper when he's home, rub my feet every night, AND take the kids to the park every weekend. ;-) So I'm trying to learn to expect NOTHING so that everything that does happen is a bonus. :-)

I will say that one area that is hard for me though is how to remain positive and hopeful about things while at the same time not setting myself up for disappointment due to having too high expectations (even if they aren't really all that high). I'm not a pessimistic person, so it goes against my nature to look to the future and think, "This is as good as it will ever get; dh will always be away from us this often; I'll never have a close in-real-life friend." I tend to think the opposite things and that basically our circumstances are just a "blip" on the radar. Although I do have to admit that this "blip" has been going on now for nearly 6 years. :-( But I keep on holding on and holding on, remaining hopeful and optimistic.

I can see how that can be a GOOD thing, don't get me wrong! Yet I find myself disappointed when either the circumstances just don't change OR get worse. What has really been a bummer in the past is when things have been bad, something happens that I think will improve things DRAMATICALLY, only for things to be a tad bit better, if they're better at all. :-?

So I'm trying to work out just how I need to approach these hopes/dreams/expectations so that I don't turn into a sour grouch while at the same time not expecting things so much that I'm perpetually disappointed when they don't occur.