is 4 today. This morning when I woke up, I called him into my room and just spent time praying for him and snuggling with him. I ADORE him.

But it didn't start out that way.

Let me start at the beginning.

When L (#3) was about 6 months old, I remember praying about our family size. I don't think I was stressed out or anything like that, but I felt like our family was complete. I had 2 boys and a girl, and I just felt DONE. No particular reason...I just knew that the Lord wasn't going to send us any more children, since we were done. Plain and simple.

I also knew that since our family was complete, and since the Lord is in control, we wouldn't need to do anything to "make sure" we didn't have any more children. I knew that I simply wouldn't get pregnant again. No biggie.

But just in case, I prayed that the Lord would give me a bigger space between kids next time. The space between #1 and #2 is almost 17 months, and the space between #2 and #3 is 22.5 months.

God has a sense of humor. ;-)

I have an online friend, and pretty much every time she gets pregnant, it turns out that I get pregnant shortly thereafter. (Until recently - she just had another baby, and I'm still not pregnant LOL!) Well, she IMed me and told me she was pregnant, and I laughed at her. I had started spotting that day, so I knew that I wasn't expecting. Well, the laugh was on me because about a day after my spotting started, it stopped. I'd had that happen before...when I was pregnant with C (#2).

Uh oh.....

Yup, baby #4 was on the way. And remember my prayer about the spacing? He was due when #3 was 21.5 months old.

At the time, dh was training for his new job and home only on weekends. (It did make determining the due date to be VERY easy LOL!!!) He was gone for 12 weeks, then he proceeded to spend the next 2 years away more than he was home. I was in a new town and knew NO ONE except my in-laws, and they didn't know I was pregnant. All in all it was a pretty bad situation.

Suffice it to say...I was NOT thrilled to find out I was expecting a baby. When I told dh, he cried. I did too, but he cried because he was so happy. I was not. When I heard the heartbeat for the first time, I didn't feel joy. I felt dread.
My hormones went nutso. That, combined with my life circumstances, introduced me to the world of severe depression. I spent the next few months visiting a Christian counselor. She honestly wasn't much help. Her solutions to my depression were to stop having kids (since, doncha know, they cause all problems) and to stop homeschooling. *sigh*

I knew my new baby was a girl because my pregnancy was EXACTLY like my one with my girl. I was very nauseous, gained weight the same, etc. God surprised me again because when I went for my ultrasound I saw that I had a VERY PROUD little boy in there. When the tech put the transducer on my belly, I said, "Is that what I think it is?" The tech said, "Yup, it's a boy!" After that, every time we looked at OTHER body parts - his head, heart, etc. - he showed us his little boy part. Other techs came in to look at things, and they took one look at the screen and could see it was a boy. I'm so glad I wanted to know, because I would have anyway!

And I am glad I found out, because I would have gone my entire pregnancy thinking I was having another girl. I would have been in for a HUGE shock!!!

At 26 weeks I started on Zoloft, which was a lifesaver for me. No longer was my 4yo finding me on the floor in the fetal position and asking me, "Why are you crying, Mommy?" Jesus became so real to me during that time. Unfortunately it just made me want to go home to Him all the more. Not a good thing when it comes to depression! ;-) But once the meds kicked in, at least I wasn't wishing I were dead anymore.

So.....the pregnancy progressed. I was huge and miserable. You know, the usual. ;-) I had made an appointment for a developmental evaluation for C for 3 days before my due date. I always went overdue, so I knew I wouldn't have any problem keeping this appointment. That was a good thing because they were so full that they booked appointments 6 months away.

Saturday, April 20th, rolled around. The day before my dh's birthday. 6 days BEFORE my due date. I woke up at 5 am to go to the bathroom, and I suspected that my water was leaking. I was having some contractions as well, but nothing major. So around 7 I told dh that he might be getting a birthday present. His eyes popped wide open. LOL!

Long story short...yes, it was labor. We drove the hour and 15 minutes to the hospital, and on the way dh said he was starting to get achey. By the time we saw the midwife for a check, ate lunch, then got to the hospital, he had a splitting headache and felt awful. He just sat in the recliner while I walked around the L&D department with each of my little ones. My mom and in-laws showed up, and we were all just hanging out.

The nurse came in at one point and said to dh, "You look worse every time I come in here." She took his temperature, and it was 102 something. Well. That put a crimp in our plans. The nurses didn't want him there because they didn't want to catch whatever he had. I didn't want him there because I didn't want the baby to catch whatever he had. I knew he would be absolutely NO help to me whatsoever. So my fil drove him home, my mil drove my van home with the kids, and my mom stayed with me.

My labor with J was totally different than my previous 3. It actually progressed without a problem. My water broke on its own. It was actually pretty easy. My water broke at 5 pm, things kicked into high gear, and at about 6 I called dh and told him that the baby was going to be there before his birthday...sorry!

Meanwhile, all I could think was, This is NOT what I was wanting to be doing today! I still was not ready for another baby. Sure our stuff at home was ready (sort of...nowadays we don't get stuff set up till the baby comes home LOL!), but my heart was not ready for another baby.

J was born at 6:40 pm. He was my smallest baby at 7 lbs. 14 oz. His head circumference was 14.5", but my midwife was SOOOOOOOOO awesome, and I didn't end up needing any stitches. (My mom became a believer in midwives that day. ;-) )

I remember being SO TIRED after he was born, and I just wasn't in the mood to deal with a new baby I didn't want, especially with my dh sick at home. J didn't read the book that tells about babies not being hungry till they're about 2-3 days old, which corresponds with when mom's milk comes in, and he screamed in hunger from the get go. I was not amused.

But then.

God. Stepped. In.

With my other kids, I never had that "fall in love" moment. I just loved them but never had that "WOW" moment where I fell head over heels with them. When J was 2 days old, I experienced it with him. I can't explain it, but in an instant I went from not wanting another baby to ADORING this little guy with the funky swirl in his hairline over his forehead.

And people say that God isn't real. HA.

J is somewhat rotten, probably because I did spoil him a bit. I think I went a bit overboard with him. ;-) He is lively and STRONG-WILLED and so affectionate. My other kids love physical touch, but they are usually wanting to receive affection. He wants to GIVE it.

He is so moody and would argue with a wall, but he loves to sing songs in church. He loves to sing, period - he literally has been singing since before he could talk.

He has caused me to rethink lots of my theories on parenting, and I've had to really question whether I was parenting Biblically or whether I was parenting according to some "method" that called itself a Biblical parenting method. I had to realize that some thing simpy work for some kids and not for others. He keeps me on my knees, that is for sure!!!

I still don't know quite how to handle some of his "issues," and there are times when I'm flat-out scared about some things. But I know Who does know how to handle them, and I know that He loves this little boy wayyyyyyyy more than even I do. And I am SO THANKFUL that God did not give me what I wanted and asked for. He gave me J, which is MORE than what I wanted and asked for.