(This is a reply to Angela's message to me, which you can find here.)

Your extreme attention to detail in your review is driving people away from even reading CTBHHM, rather than taking heed and "being good Bereans".

Honestly? I'm OK with that since I can't recommend the book at all now that I've finished it. It had great potential, but there is just too much "other" in it for me to be able to recommend it.

Kirstin criticizes Debi’s sentence about “to obey your husband is to obey God” – as not specific enough. But in the next paragraph, Debi makes it clear that, while there are exceptions, they will be discussed later. Kirstin slants her review by omitting that information.

I omitted her statements about exceptions because she only referred to the "twisted" and "perverse" exceptions, and I had not yet read chapter 24 to know what sort of exceptions she was referring to.

The letter from the wife whose husband is in the emotional affair makes it clear that the husband is aware of his sin. He has confessed to his wife, and they are trying to move on in their marriage. Debi is urging the wife not to continue to bring his sin before him, but to become a student of her husband’s needs (“get down on your husband’s emotional level,” p. 31). The full quote from Debi is “The tool of your warfare is your loving, kind, delightful, radiant self.” IT’s a tool, not a guarantee.

Page 29 says, "if you really, honestly want to win your husband back to yourself, you must change your game plan." (The game plan basically being to beat the other woman at her own game.) Page 30 says, "If you want to keep your man...Your husband is going to love what is lovely to him." Can this work? Yes. Does it always? No. We have no idea if the husband was repentant, etc. All the letter says is that, "He says it is over now." I hope it truly was, but no, the letter does not "make it clear."

The chapter ends exhorting the wife to be willing to forgive, to fight for his affection. Kirstin, how many wives do you know that have been too forgiving, loving, kind, delightful and radiant?

Based on what the writer of the letter wrote, I have known lots of women in this sort of situation. Their husbands said it was over. They forgave, were loving, etc. One dear friend of mine in particular (and I adore her husband as well - he was in our wedding, but boy I want to shake some sense into him LOL!) did EVERYTHING Mrs. Pearl says here to do. I even remember me telling her how submissive she was being by obeying her husband when he told her to sign the divorce papers.

My problem is NOT with the advice to be forgiving, loving, etc. My problem is that Mrs. Pearl didn't account for the women who would do exactly what she recommends here (being "more") and STILL end up in a failed marriage. She left no room for this advice to not work in some marriages. So if it doesn't...then is it because the woman just didn't do a good enough job fighting for her man? That's just it though - Mrs. Pearl doesn't address this sort of thing at all, so we don't know.

I guess I have known so many divorced, bitter women in their 40’s or older – clinging to their rights, and the “sinful” husband is long gone, tired of the bitterness, his mistakes being continually flung in his face, until he has suffered enough for his sins – it becomes a habit for the wife, and even after he’s gone, she doesn’t realize how it really came to pass.

Me too. I'm not sure if you have read all the comments, but if not you might want to, since I talked even more about what I meant when I said, "I can see what she is saying...our husbands are worth fighting for, and we do need to try to be MORE to our husbands." And "In some marriages the answer is to be more, to not "stand on our rights" (as Mrs. Pearl puts it), etc."

Chapter 3 – Kirstin, you keep saying that you are trying to be unbiased in your review, but even a chapter whose premise you agree with, you end up criticizing because you don’t think it applies to you.

I stated outright that that paragraph wasn't part of the "official" review. I was expressing why (possibly) I wasn't quite "getting" what all the hoop-la was about. At that point I hadn't even read half of the book yet, and I kept waiting for it to get "WOW", and it hadn't yet, so I was exploring why it might not be. And then I went on and started discussing the chapter in particular.

What exactly are the roots of your discontent? Your home? Your finances? Your neighbourhood? Your...? If you are a SAHM, most of this will reflect back on your husband – the provider for your family.

Angela, it is quite bold of you to assume what I'm discontent about. Discontentment doesn't always stem from material things. I said it on my blog, and I'll say it again here - my discontentment has nothing to do with my husband, even if I am a SAHM.

Debi’s "method", as it was presented in this chapter, is pretty clear on page 43:
"to please and forgive each other no matter how hurtful the actions or words that were spoken"
and
"This, then, is the rule of life for wives: Live with thanksgiving, forgiveness and joy, and enjoy all your moments as if they were your last."

Those are the PRINCIPLES, and I said I agree with them.

We have this idea as women about “being genuine” and our need to make him aware of our pain – however we need to be extremely cautious about this tactic – it can very easily become anger masquerading as hurt feelings, broken spirit, or vulnerability, which is dishonest and manipulative.

This is very true! And nowhere did I say that it's OK to do these things in the name of "being genuine."

I have a husband who cares deeply about me – most husbands do care deeply about their wives. However, they also unknowingly hurt us with their words or actions at times.

Key words there: at times. I specified in my post that "if this is an ongoing pattern, perhaps the best way to be a good help meet is to let it go and let the chips fall where they may, rather than fixing it." (emphasis added) There is a difference between the occasional hurt and an ongoing pattern of behavior.

"help meet all my husband’s desires and dreams....God made you to fill this eternal vision." and, further on, "Ask God for wisdom to become the very best help meet." Does that sound like we should be out buying porn to stay in line with our husband’s desires?

No, and nowhere did I say anything even close to that.

page 50, Debi is saying the exact same thing as you – your review makes it sound like it was omitted in her book. She even quotes James 1:5, and exhorts women to ask God for wisdom. That is the first point she is trying to make in this chapter!!

Yes, but what happens if we arrive at a different conclusion than she has after we study the Word for ourselves? In this chapter she told us to ask for wisdom and then told us what "wisdom" looks like.

Her applications (so far) have been to be loving, forgiving and giving even when it is not deserved; to practice thankfulness; to smile; to choose joy. What is the issue?

Those are the PRINCIPLES. The examples that she shares are the applications. "This is what this principle looks like" type of thing. THAT is what I take issue with. The principles (being loving, forgiving, etc.) can look so many different ways, and she (typically) only shares super extreme examples that aren't so cut and dry.

However, if Debi Pearl had qualified every statement in her book by "and this doesn’t apply to every situation", you would be criticizing the book as wishy-washy. Or if she hadn’t included any examples or reader letters, you would be complaining that there was no practical application.

Not at all, but honestly I'm not even going to take the time to defend myself.

But I just don’t see how you can read the book and not catch on to the Biblical principles here – and YES they are Biblical. What is unBiblical about Joy, Thanksgiving, Forgiveness, etc.?

I pointed those out. What you call "backhanded praise" was where I was pointing out the Biblical principles that she shared.

Is her book leading the reader away from seeking God’s will, asking God for wisdom, or studying the Scriptures to see what our role & responsiblities are?

It is not Mrs. Pearl's fault, but yes, women are failing to do that.

You have said earlier that you agree with the principles of the book – so where is the YIKES!?

The "yikes" is for the bad things (iffy application, Scripture twisting, etc.), not the good things that I have pointed out.

The book being written for wives, Debi doesn’t address the singleness issue. This shouldn’t be a problem.

You are correct, and I will change that. I do know that single women are reading this book, even though they are not engaged, so perhaps they shouldn't since they have no marriage "on the horizon" and it's not necessarily a given that they WILL marry? (I dunno, just thinking "out loud.")

This is exactly how I’ve approached every marriage book I’ve ever read – I am so thankful that this was a book written just for women, so that I didn’t do the comparison game. My husband doesn’t read, so I was continually frustrated by all the knowledge (in marriage books) that he would never learn.

Very true! However there is a difference between acknowledging that a husband "ain't doing right" and having a bad marriage.

"And consequently Mrs. Pearl?" This is a letter from someone else, not Debi, wishing she had acted in a certain way in a certain circumstance.

Mrs. Pearl posted it without commentary and without a reply, and at the end of the chapter she recommended that we use this woman's "when" list as a little study of sorts. So she is endorsing this woman's viewpoint.

"This is the last paragraph of the chapter & easy to miss" – Easy to miss? Most books of this type end a chapter with a summary of the chapter – why would the summary be easy to miss – especially when there is an exercise involved?

Women have flat out told me they skimmed through this book. The fault does lie on them, not Mrs. Pearl for this.

If she is warning women from ever questioning their husbands PERIOD, then I disagree.
Debi explains in the story exactly what her attitude behind her thoughts was, and that THAT was why her questioning Michael was wrong.

She left no room for other thought patterns. What about them? We simply don't know.

I wonder if Mrs. Pearl ever talks about bringing up these concerns to our husbands (in a Biblical manner of course).
Why are you wondering this? In the index, on page 252, there is a section titled “How to Make an Appeal”, Debi also refers to that upcoming section throughout the book, especially in chapter 8.

You're correct. When I wrote this I was somewhat "thinking out loud." I hadn't gotten to that part of the book yet, and I SAID THAT in my post.

It is a PARTIALLY true statement in that a woman IS partially responsible for the success of her marriage.
No, it is a true statement. You would be more accurate in your complaint if you were to say it was an incomplete statement,

That is a better word - thank you!

If this book were written for men, it would tell them to love their wives regardless of how they act. But this is a book for women.

That is true! But what happens when the wife does everything right, and the husband still leaves? At what point is the fault no longer on the woman for not being a good enough help meet?

It just concerns me that you are so adept at defending your review as being accurate,

I'm sure it's not entirely "accurate", and I don't remember "defending myself," saying it was.

honest & unbiased

I'm TRYING to be honest and unbiased.

When one is so quick to jump on an illustration of a Godly principle as “not working in all situations” it does carry the flavour of rebellion; excuse-hunting rather than digging deeper, and trying to find where the PRINCIPLE needs to be applied in one’s own life. So you’re not like the women Debi is describing? Are you sure? Maybe you’re manifesting those attitudes in a different way – doesn’t make it less sinful because you’re better at disguising it.

WOW. 8-O