Created To Be His Help Meet - Chapter 9
Page 94:
From the beginning, God meant for us to be a comfort, a blessing, a reward, a friend, an encouragement, and a right-hand wo-man.
The title of Chapter 9 is "Finding Your Life in His," and the chapter is summed up in Mrs. Pearl's question to us on page 99:
Is it God's will for your husband to adapt to you, or is it God's will for you to adapt to him?
Once again, the principle is a good, Biblical one, but the application that Mrs. Pearl advocates goes BEYOND what the Bible says and burdens the reader with extrabiblical requirements.
She begins the chapter with an extreme example (*sigh* as usual) of a movie she saw once. The woman was patronizing and controlling of the man, and when she was hospitalized, he came out of his shell. But what he was remembering was totally make-believe. As it turns out, what was all in his head were things that he really would have preferred to do, but because of her controlling nature, he never fulfilled those dreams. All he had left was his imagination.
Well, of course, in this example, it's clear to see that she was in the wrong. But how many marriages are truly like this?
Mrs. Pearl then shares a letter that ALMOST could have come from me LOL! This woman's husband is a CPA, but they have been praying for years for a way for him to be able to have a business and stay at home. He has decided to be a dairy farmer. Well, she doesn't want that! And so now she is complaining.
It is not my dream. There was no talk of farming 22 years ago!
Mrs. Pearl responds on page 96:
Donna's concept of marriage is all wrong, not at all like God's intention for marriage. God didn't create Adam and Eve at the same time and then tell them to work out some compromise on how they would each acheive thier personal goals in a cooperative endeavor. He created Adam, gave him an occupation, appointed him as ruler of the planet, endowed him with a spiritual outlook, gave him commands, and specified his occupational duties. Adam commenced his rule of the planet before God created Eve to help him in his life's goals. Adam didn't need to get Eve's consent. God gave her to Adam to be HIS helper, not his partner. She was designed to serve, not to be served, to assist, not to veto his decisions.
I asked my husband about this, and he simply said, "But I would be foolish to not listen to your input."
And that is exactly right. It's not about the wife telling the husband what he needs to do with his life. It's also not about her throwing a hissy fit when he does something that she really doesn't care to do. It IS about her adapting to him, since God's Word clearly states that the husband is the head of the family.
HOWEVER, God's Word does NOT say that the husband is free to just do his own thing, completely ignoring any input his wife may have. Sometimes the wife has information that the husband may not have. And what if the husband doesn't know and therefore doesn't ask his wife for input? She should be free to give it anyway. Ultimately the decisions affecting the family are still up to him, but as my wise husband put it, the husband would be a fool to not consider his wife's opinions, input, experience, etc.
Page 97:
God made us women to be help meets, and it is in our physical nature to be so. It is our spiritual calling and God's perfect will for us. It is the role in which we will succeed in life, and it is where we will find our very greatest fulfillment as a woman and as a saint of God.
Once again, a true statement, but in the context of the chapter, Mrs. Pearl seems to forget or ignore some things:
1 - A help meet isn't necessarily someone who bows to her master's every command. A help meet HELPS her husband. MOST OF THE TIME that means that we bend over backwards to please our husbands and to serve them. (We are to love our neighbors as ourselves, after all, and our husbands are our neighbors.) But sometimes that means saying, "Hey sweetie, we may want to think about this a little more." Sometimes it means refusing to participate in something. Sometimes it means letting him suffer the consequences of his sin or foolishness.
2 - Just because the husband wants to do xyz doesn't mean that that is what he really should be doing. What if he is wanting to do something that disobeys God and what HE has planned for the husband (and consequently his family)?
Although perhaps Mrs. Pearl believes that what the husband plans equals God's Will because also on page 97 she states
When we fight God's will and our husband's dreams, we are frustrated and disappointed.
I have no idea if that is what she is truly saying, but it sure sounds that way.
I wholeheartedly agree that it's not all about us wives. But guess what? It's not all about them husbands either. (But since this is a book geared toward discussing the wife's role, I will only speak on that.)
The last paragraph on page 97, when taken on its own, is fabulous:
Life is full of choices. How you choose to respond will help decide your fate in life. Life is now. Learn to really enjoy taking out the trash or milking a cow. You will be amazed at how God will fill you full of himself. You will look back in your "happy" old age and rejoice at your lot in life and wonder how you could have ever been a long-faced sad sack. Someday people will say to you, "Your personality is just a happy type, and that is why you enjoy life. Isn't that right?" You can laugh and know that being in God's will is the only thing that makes you full of joy. God is not looking for happy women to make them into help meets for good men. He is looking for women willing to be true help meets to the men to whom they are married, so He can fill them full of joy.
Sometimes we DO just have to suck it up, CHOOSE joy, and pray that God would fill us fuller of joy. That goes for anything...not just in a decision that our husband makes. Many times, as wives, we WILL just follow along and go with the flow that is our husband's life and adjust to that. (I've done that many a time! 
) But Mrs. Pearl's teaching that a help meet has absolutely no say or choice in the matter, no matter what, goes beyond what the Bible actually teaches.
Barbara wrote,
thanks again! every time i read these, i’m glad i didn’t buy into the hype on this one! ugh, she is way too weird for me!
i think she has the meaning of “help-meet” wrong, she uses it more like “bondservant”
Link | June 25th, 2005 at 5:50 am
Connie wrote,
My Bible actually teaches “Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” and “But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.” The church doesn’t say to Christ, “Honey, are you sure that is the best decision? Let’s think this through.” You indicate that you disagree with Debi Pearl, but it seems that you disagree with God’s word. I think “in everything” and “as to the Lord” pretty much says it all.
Link | June 25th, 2005 at 7:42 am
razorbackmama wrote,
Connie,
I am sorry that you feel I disagree with God’s Word since I disagree with how Debi Pearl interprets God’s Word.
In the passages you shared, the important thing to remember is that we are to be subject to our husbands AS TO THE LORD and AS THE CHURCH IS TO CHRIST. Since Christ is the One calling the shots, so to speak, there would not be a foolish or selfish decision being made. So yes, we are to submit to our husbands IN EVERYTHING, when those conditions are being met. But when they are not, then we must be sensitive to the Holy Spirit. Sometimes He may want us to submit anyway. But sometimes He may want us to act as a TRUE helper suitable - not a bondservant (as Barbara said), but as one who helps her husband be more like Christ.
As my husband (whom I am supposed to submit to “in everything!”) told me, “I WANT you to question me if I’m about to do something stupid! I DON’T want you to automatically go along with whatever I say. I would be a fool not to listen to you since God gave you to me to be my helper suitable.”
Link | June 25th, 2005 at 9:42 am
Connie wrote,
“and while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously;…In the SAME way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands…” Jesus didn’t wait until the people treated him “right” to do the right thing. We are to act “in the same way.”
Link | June 25th, 2005 at 10:06 am
razorbackmama wrote,
Also keep in mind that while many times authors, teachers, etc. focus on JUST the wife’s or JUST the husband’s role (as CTBHHM does), the BIBLE focuses on both at the same time. I’m becoming increasingly aware that the wife’s role and the husband’s role are interwoven in Scripture. For example, in Ephesians 5, the Lord (through Paul) gives instructions to all Christians (v. 21, “Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ (the Messiah, the Anointed One).” Hmmmm we tend to skip the “be subject TO ONE ANOTHER” verse many times….), the wives, the husbands, then the wives again. He doesn’t separate it as we try to and isolate the instructions to each spouse.
NOTE: I AM NOT SAYING that our obedience to the Lord depends upon our husband’s obedience to the Lord. But our husband’s obedience DOES have some bearing on what our obedience to the Lord LOOKS LIKE. We cannot say, “Oh, Ephesians 5 tells us to be subject to my husband in everything, so I need to do whatever my husband says even though it goes against God’s Word.”
We must go back to what our essential role is as a wife. Is our role to submit? NO. Our role is to be a helper suitable to our husband. Not someone to help him do whatever he wants to do, whenever he wants to do it or to help him “fulfill his dreams,” as Mrs. Pearl would suggest. We are to be someone who is a suitable helper to complete our husband, so that when we are one with each other, we are a picture of Christ (ideally). Many times that is done THROUGH our serving our husband and submitting to him, especially since he IS our head and the final decision maker. But the submission is simply one way in which we carry out our role as a helper suitable. And when being submissive conflicts with being a helper suitable, we must obey the Lord and be a helper suitable, even though we may APPEAR unsubmissive on the outside.
We must always, ALWAYS remember to take the Bible as a WHOLE, not choose just bits and pieces.
Link | June 25th, 2005 at 10:12 am
razorbackmama wrote,
Connie,
NOWHERE have I EVER said that we are to wait until our husbands “treat us right” to submit to them. Please do not put words in my mouth.
Link | June 25th, 2005 at 10:14 am
Connie wrote,
You often mention our husbands asking us to do something against God’s will. In my 20 years of marriage, this has never happened to me. I often hear ladies lamenting that their husbands are unreasonable, but I have never heard of one being asked to go against the laws of God (except in “what if” scenarios.) My husband HAS asked me to do things that I didn’t really feel like doing because I was tired or busy. In those cases, I had to overcome my selfish desires and serve him “as unto the Lord.” What criteria do you use when you decide not to submit to your husband? Do you allow your children to “decide” not to submit to you? Do you feel the CPA turned farmer was asking his wife to go against God’s will? How? If you feel he was considering his own desires over hers, wouldn’t she be doing the same by refusing, whining, etc? I wasn’t putting words in your mouth, I was commenting on scripture. Jesus endured, many times, people not taking his feelings into consideration. We are told that he has shown us the perfect example of how to respond. Difficult? Yes, as it was for my Lord. How can we rationalize responding in any other way?
Link | June 25th, 2005 at 10:33 am
Anne wrote,
I find part of what’s missing in Debi’s writing is how to have honest, open and constructive two-way communication with our husbands. I get the idea from reading their articles that I should just shut up and say yes sir to my husband all the time.
My DH is like yours, razorbackmama, in that he doesn’t want me to just shut up and say yes sir. He wants to be challenged and questioned and have things discussed and decided on together- but in an appropriate and respectful way. Sometimes he has had to use his veto power on something we just couldn’t agree on, but times like those have been so rare.
He told me part of why he loves me is because I have spunk and opinions and am not afraid to let him know what I think.
My challenge is making sure I am doing and expressing this in a way that is pleasing and respectful to my husband and the Lord.
Link | June 25th, 2005 at 11:13 am
razorbackmama wrote,
Connie,
I am THRILLED that your husband has never asked you to go against the Bible!!! That is so wonderful!!!!!
I HAVE experienced it at times, and I have “submitted,” and it has done nothing but damage to us individually, as a couple, and as a family. I have known lots of women whose husbands have been abusive in the name of “the Bible tells you to submit to me.” This goes beyond “unreasonable”ness. I have known women, who in the name of submission, have put their children’s lives IN DANGER, because they wanted to submit to their abusive husbands. I haven’t had to deal with that personally, but my husband HAS wanted me to go along with things that violated Biblical principles in the past, and I did since I had been taught that I was to “submit in everything.” He and I both agree now that I was wrong to submit to him in those things.
“What criteria do you use when you decide not to submit to your husband?”
Does this go against Biblical principles? Does it go against things that my husband has previously told me? I’m afraid you have the impression that I’m advocating a wife “doing her own thing.” Nothing could be farther from the truth. What I AM advocating is that a wife think about the WHOLE of Scripture, rather than a verse here or there that says she is supposed to submit. I’m advocating that she try to discuss things with her husband, if anything, so that she can be on the same page with him in decisions! There have been many times when I have said, hey let’s think about this, and we’ve talked, and I’ve seen more of what he was wanting to do, and then I can fully be on board with his plans.
“Do you allow your children to ‘decide’ not to submit to you?”
Well, for one, the relationship AND the Lord’s instructions in the Bible are completely different. Wives are not instructed to obey their husbands in the same manner as children are instructed to obey their parents. You are comparing apples with oranges.
HOWEVER, for the sake of argument…THERE MAY BE TIMES in which I do not have all of the information in a situation, and therefore, my children SHOULDN’T obey me! USUALLY that isn’t the case, but the possibility is certainly there.
My husband, when he told me that he would be foolish not to listen to my counsel, he came up with a word picture. He is the head. But the head doesn’t (and SHOULDN’T) disregard the feet, hands, etc. when making a decision. What if the head were telling the body to go, walk over here, I’ve made this decision, PERIOD. The body is walking along, and all of a sudden the feet say, “Um hey….getting kind of hot down here.” The head, if he is foolish, might say, “Tough, keep walking.” Mrs. Pearl would say that that the feet need to put a smile on and walk anyway, and all will be well and glorious. In this situation, however, since the body is now walking on hot coals, it would be to the detriment of the body if the feet did NOT speak up and say, “Sorry, I am NOT going to walk there!”
“Do you feel the CPA turned farmer was asking his wife to go against God’s will? How? If you feel he was considering his own desires over hers, wouldn’t she be doing the same by refusing, whining, etc?”
Since all we have to go by is the letter than Mrs. Pearl shared, I have no idea. There are SO many variables involved. I do agree that the wife needed to strive for contentment. I agree that if her husband still chose to become a dairy farmer, she needed to suck it up and do her best to find joy in her role as a dairy farmer’s wife. I do NOT agree, however, that she should not have any say whatsoever. As a HELPER SUITABLE she has the responsibility to work WITH her husband to obey God’s Will for their family. It’s not about what our desires and dreams are NOR is it about what our husband’s desires and dreams are. We must come together, seek the Lord, and follow HIS plan for our lives.
I have lived that CPA example to some extent, and I can say that it is not as cut and dry as Mrs. Pearl makes it out to be.
“I wasn’t putting words in your mouth, I was commenting on scripture.”
I do apologize if I interpreted your comment the wrong way. You made it sound as though I were saying that we should wait until our husbands treat us right before we submit, which is NOT what I am saying at all.
I know that I probably will not be able to convince you of this position, and that is fine. I do thank you for your questions though because it is allowing me to clarify some statements.
Link | June 25th, 2005 at 11:13 am
razorbackmama wrote,
Anne!!!! THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I’M TRYING TO SAY!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!
Link | June 25th, 2005 at 11:15 am
Anne wrote,
Do you allow your children to “decide” not to submit to you?
——————————
This is an interesting question. Recently I have realized that there are times when I’ve had to be the one to back down on something I’ve demanded my children to do because I was angry, asked something inappropriate, etc.
When I’ve been wrong I’ve started admitting it to them and this has gone a long way in helping my daughter to love and respect me and want to listen and obey- not just ’cause she *has* to.
You make good points Connie, but the problem I find is that I am not perfect like Jesus and neither are our children or husbands. So there are times when I know I’ve been wrong, my daughter calls me out on it, and we start over. I don’t necessarily make her submit to me at times when I’ve been *totally* unreasonable or angry.
Also, I am always reminded of David from the OT who had so many struggles and questions that he had to work out with God. The Psalms are full of his questioning and working through his issues and trials. He didn’t just immediately snap to it and say “yes, God.” He had struggles and things to work through. Yet he always came back to the themes of God’s faithfullness, love and protection.
Link | June 25th, 2005 at 11:26 am
Anne wrote,
Cool! We’re posting at the same time!
Link | June 25th, 2005 at 11:31 am
razorbackmama wrote,
Ditto again Anne! And it’s just another example of how it’s not just a one-way street - the Bible speaks to both parties in a relationship AT THE SAME TIME. In order for one party to FULLY obey the Lord, the other party must as well. When one party is not obeying, then the other must adjust a bit and perhaps not adhere to the letter of the law so that he/she can still obey God.
Link | June 25th, 2005 at 11:35 am
TulipGirl wrote,
Anne and Kirstin–excellent, excellent!
And I think, Kirstin, one of the big flaws in this book is what you keep coming back to. . . It’s painting a picture of what Debi Pearl thinks a wife should look like. How submission and helpmeeting should look according to her ideas.
And very often those ideas are beyond the Biblical call, and are not compatible was being a helper suitable to that wife’s husband.
God has called me to be a wife to MY husband–not to Micheal Pearl.
Link | June 25th, 2005 at 1:13 pm
Barbara wrote,
tulipgirl, well stated!
Link | June 25th, 2005 at 1:33 pm
Dana wrote,
not sure I agree with the scripture interpretation laid out at the beginning:
“He created Adam, gave him an occupation, appointed him as ruler of the planet, endowed him with a spiritual outlook, gave him commands, and specified his occupational duties. Adam commenced his rule of the planet before God created Eve to help him in his life’s goals”
Um, I’ve read Genesis one and two and I don’t see it. I see this:
Gen 1:27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.
Gen 1:28 And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.
to them, not to him. Eve was there. If we go to Genesis 2, we find that Adam got to name all the animals all by himself, but none were suitable for a help-meet. I guess if he needed someone to answer to his every whim, a dog would have done nicely. But he needed someone with whom he could become “one flesh.” Acting together.
Link | March 28th, 2006 at 1:44 am