A wise woman is always learning. She is open to change. She is ready to hear. She pursues knowledge.

O Lord, help me to become a wise woman.

Mrs. Pearl opens chapter 7 with a letter from Susan, a young mother who desires to bring her children up in the ways of God. Her husband watches certain TV shows and commercials around them. This woman is so distressed because of the damage that these shows are going to do to her children. She wonders if she married the wrong man, she gets very angry with him about this, etc.

Mrs. Pearl replies to her with much wisdom:

Just imagine what it would be like if your husband just disappeared one day - no more bad commercials, no questionable TV, no warm beds, just lots of long, lonely nights and days of toil at a job away from the children. The children will not be with their father watching TV; they will be with a babysitter who is taking care of them for money...The Devil would love to steal your children's souls. He will not do it through your husband's TV; he will do it through your dishonor...I am not suggesting that you should have lower standards. In fact, your husband obviously should have higher standards, but your nagging and criticism have the opposite effect of producing righteousness. Ideally, if you could hold your standards, hold your tongue, and hold your man, in time you might be able to put forth an appeal to him that does not offend.

My flesh tends to try to respond in similar fashion to Susan, especially when I'm tempted to compare my husband to others' husbands. PRAISE GOD He has revealed to me when I start to do this, however, so I'm able to shut it down somewhat quickly most of the time, but it's still a temptation I fight daily.

Mrs. Pearl then shares a letter from a woman who has "been there." Her husband left her. She knows that she cannot answer for her husband's mistakes, but she knows that she made plenty. She shares several situations in which she wishes she would have acted differently.

When my husband acted selfishly at home, allowed his temper to flare, and sometimes said curse words, and then went to church and acted spiritual, I wish I had prayed positively for him instead of withdrawing a little emotionally from him and letting my cynicism and lack of confidence in him be so manifest. I wish I had openly showed love and acceptance of him for himself, not impatiently waited until he acted right.

She shares several other "when" statements such as this. Some I can relate to personally, because I've had the same responses, and others I can't, because I just don't naturally react in the same way. But I know that some women do. Her letter was a good reminder to pray and LET GOD WORK. So many times I think women want to "fix" their husbands and turn them into godly men themselves. We ARE supposed to HELP them along that path (that's what being a help meet is all about!), but the Holy Spirit is the One ultimately in control of the situation. We need to TRUST GOD to work in our husbands' lives. He is even more concerned with our husbands' godliness than we are!

And, truth be known, we're just as ungodly as our husbands most of the time, just in different areas! ;-)

My ONE concern with this section is that it appears that this woman (and consequently Mrs. Pearl) is saying that the way she wishes she would have acted in certain situations is THE WAY in which all women should act in similar situations. For example:

When he spent money I thought we didn't have, I wish I had remained quiet and trusted God. I wish I had shown continued confidence in him, regardless of his decision.

"Remaining quiet" isn't automatically the thing to do in all situations. I'm NOT saying that questioning him, treating him like an imbicile, or belitting him is the correct response. But whatever happened to, "Hey sweetie, can we talk about this?" ????? The dynamics in each marriage are so different. So while yes, this woman shared some helpful ideas of what to do in certain situations, this list of ideas is by no means exhaustive. The correct response isn't always as cut and dry as this letter makes it seem.

(I said "appears" earlier because in the "Time To Consider" section on page 74, Mrs. Pearl does give the reader an assignment:

Go back through the previous story called, Alone. Every time you read the word "When," stop and ask yourself, "When my husband acts as her husband acted, do I react as she did?" Write your own new response to each "When." As God to give you the wisdom and courage to follow through on your new commitment.

So it seems that perhaps Mrs. Pearl IS giving room to other acceptable responses to these situations??? It's hard to tell, especially since this is the last paragraph of the chapter and easy to miss. But let's give her the benefit of the doubt. ;-) )

Mrs. Pearl discusses what she calls "A New Breed of Women." These are single moms who are stressed to the max, to put it bluntly. She cautions the readers from letting petty self-righteousness on our part ruin our marriage. We may claim that it's "our husband's fault," but we had a part too, with our nagging and critical behavior.

Divorce is never planned, but is almost always preceded by certain avoidable reactive behavior and events. Don't let it happen to you.

I have no doubt that this is often the case. All I have to do is take a look around me and know it's true. However, Mrs. Pearl seems to be saying that if we will only be the right kind of wife for our husband, then he will never leave us. I've known too many women in bad situations to know that that is simply untrue. The pressure that Mrs. Pearl places on the reader (the state of your marriage depends solely on how good of a wife you are) is simply unfair.

She then tells a story of the night she and Mr. Pearl were married. He decided that they needed to go shopping and cook a meal before they went to bed. He picked out some very expensive ground beef, and Mrs. Pearl said, "Don't you think that is priced too high, and wouldn't it be better to buy a cheaper priced meat?" When she saw the bewildered look on his face, she realized that she

must have sounded as though I was patronizing him, speaking to him as if he were a stupid kid, because that is how I felt about what he was doing. I was suddenly shocked at my attitude. What right did I have to treat him like a stupid jerk? How did I know how much money he had? I wasn't even his wife yet, in the biblical sense, yet here I was thinking, "You stupid nincompoop. I wouldn't spend MY money like that!"

If she is warning women to check our attitudes and not think critically of our husbands, then I agree. If she is warning women from ever questioning their husbands PERIOD, then I disagree. She may have been thinking these critical thoughts when she asked her new husband this question, but I can honestly say that had this situation occurred (or one like it!), I would not have been. (I'm not saying I’m "better than" Mrs. Pearl; I'm simply stating that my natural bent is different than hers because we have such different personalities.) I would have assumed that he just didn't see the less expensive meat, or that he wasn't used to grocery shopping or something. I would have given him the benefit of the doubt before jumping into "you stupid jerk" mode! I can't tell by the way Mrs. Pearl words this example if she is saying that all women just need to hush up when faced with similar circumstances, or if she is saying to watch our attitudes. If it is the former, then I think she has made a critical error in assuming that all women have critical thoughts such as hers. Sometimes we are just asking a sincere question!

When I discussed this situation with my husband, he said he has faced something similar. Once he was asking his former boss ("former" because my husband got promoted, not because he lost his job ;-) LOL) some questions, seeking to clarify some things, and his boss got IRATE. His boss felt my husband was questioning his authority, challenging his stance on some things, etc. But my husband was simply ASKING A QUESTION, with no ulterior motive.

It's sad that people sometimes jump to conclusions about what others are really saying. :-( (But I guess this is a bit off topic, isn't it? LOL)

The last section in this chapter is entitled, "What Did You Practice Today?" Mrs. Pearl asks the reader:

Were you mad at your husband this week over something he did, like being late, speaking to you rudely, or yelling at the kids? Did you seethe with bitterness and intentionally avoid looking into his eyes so as to express your disdain? You know what I am talking about. You remember the ugliness of your own heart and soul.

Um, no, I do NOT know what she is talking about, because honestly that is not how I think or behave. I do not "seethe with bitterness." I almost never show my anger so that he bends to it "and does better in hopes of escaping your condemnation." (My eyes popped out of my head when I read that LOL!) Whenever something comes up between my husband and me, I personally tend to have a "what in the WORLD??????" thought process going on in my head LOL. That or I'm talking to myself and God and wondering if I do need to say something or not (since my tendency is to NOT say something). Usually I end up not saying anything, it all goes away...for now...and just gets swept under the rug.

Which raises a question...since I haven't read further in the book...I wonder if Mrs. Pearl ever talks about bringing up these concerns to our husbands (in a Biblical manner of course). For LEGITIMATE concerns (not just self-righteous indignation type things that she's been referring to so far), does she differentiate? Perhaps it's because of my personality and my tendency to be ultra-non-confrontational, but I'm concerned about the across-the-board recommendation to stay silent and to never speak up about certain things. Sometimes our thoughts/reasons/etc. aren't the same as what Mrs. Pearl suggests. If they are rooted in bitterness and criticism, then yes, we need to HUSH, but sometimes we might question our husbands out of curiosity or a need for clarification or a desire to be on the same page with him (I'm thinking of her ground beef example...which also struck me as odd since the last thing my husband wanted was to be at the store buying ground beef on our wedding night ROFLOL!!!!!!!). So far I've gotten the impression that she's saying we are to never say anything period, but is that just because I haven't read far enough????

So much of our response (or lack thereof) depends on our thoughts, motives, etc. Which of course brings us full circle once again: We need to be concentrating on ourselves and how our actions/thoughts are pleasing the Lord (or not!), rather than what our husband is doing. Sometimes that may mean stepping up and saying something to our husband, sometimes it may mean staying silent and going with the flow. It's so crucial to remain in the Word so that we can weigh our thoughts against what the whole of Scripture says, so that we can respond in a manner that pleases God!

Page 73:

I know I have been hard on you, but no harder than reality. For a moment, God has broken through your wall of excuses, and you now know you are responsible.

This was somewhat of a bold statement. It assumes that all readers will have had the same thought processes that she has had in similar situations. It assumes that what she claims as "reality" truly IS our reality. It assumes that her admonitions are truly what God wants us to do.

It is a PARTIALLY true statement in that a woman IS partially responsible for the success of her marriage. But the fate of her marriage does not lie solely on her shoulders. I fear for the women who read this book and become falsely burdened, thinking that their husbands don't love them or they don't have a good marriage because they were not good enough wives.

Mrs. Pearl ends the chapter with the statement:

What is God's perfect will for your life? To be a good help meet

Yay, something true. ;-) Although I'm guessing that what she means by that is different from what I mean by that. ;-)