Created To Be His Help Meet - Chapter 3
Before I get started on this chapter's review, I'd like to share a lightbulb moment I had about this book. While yes, it's OK, I think one of the things that gives me, PERSONALLY, pause, is that Mrs. Pearl isn't really writing to a WOMAN LIKE ME. I realize that there ARE women out there who do think the way the women she is describing think. But I don't. So I have a difficult time applying what she is saying, simply because I cannot relate at ALL to the situations/thought patterns/behaviors of the women she is writing about.
Anyhoo...had that realization, and so I thought I'd share where I'm coming from. Perhaps this explains why I'm just not as "into" this book as everyone else seems to be. It is so far removed from my reality!
Chapter 3 is about contentment. Eek. This is something I struggle with.
Page 36:
Discontentment is not a product of circumstances; it is the state of the soul.
This is so easy to forget, despite how VERY TRUE it is. It's far too easy for me to think about "poor me," yet there are SO MANY in the world who would give anything to have it as good as I have it!!!
Mrs. Pearl shares about a new bride who didn't have running water or indoor plumbing, yet this new bride was just thrilled to bits to have a place of their own. So many of us would be aghast to even THINK about "going without" like this! I know I would be! How I would love to have that sort of attitude come naturally to me.
Mrs. Pearl says we need to PRACTICE having a merry and thankful heart. I'm realizing more each day (especially as I train my children) just how much of our attitude is pure HABIT. The way we speak to others, the way we look at others, the way we express thankfulness for the things we have, etc. - they all begin as a habit. I simply must begin a new habit - a habit of contentedness. I must be thankful and content with the things God has given me. I certainly do not deserve ANY of the blessings I have been given!
Unfortunately, underlying this GREAT chapter is the assumption that if we are discontent, it is because we are discontent with our husbands or what our husbands have provided. Page 35 (which is actually the opening sentence of the chapter):
You might be one of the women who often complains about her family's lowly financial state and how she must "do without" because her husband "cannot support the family decently."
Page 36:
Some women learn to accept the poor state of their physical surroundings. They don't want to be carnally-minded. They live only for the eternal. So they save their disapproving expressions for those times when they think it necessary to remind their husbands of how sad they are that he sits in front of the TV, plays video games, or engages in any number of carnal activities. They keep the pressure on - just like the Holy Spirit would do. At least, that's their justification for doing his job so "faithfully."
While I CAN relate to the overall discontentedness that Mrs. Pearl discusses in this chapter, I CANNOT relate to comments such as these, because, quite frankly, I don't do these sorts of things. I'm not saying I'm a better wife than others, because the Lord knows that I'm so NOT, but this is just not an area of struggle for me.
I know that this makes it seem like I'm picking this book apart, and I guess I probably am. :-/ However, these sort of comments by Mrs. Pearl pervade this entire book, and that is what spurred my opening comments today - is this book really written to a woman like me???
Of course, I cannot just say, "Oh, she's referring to women who are discontent with their husbands" and ignore the theme of the chapter. I desperately need to practice contentment. Paul said, "for I have learned how to be content (satisfied to the point where I am not disturbed or disquieted) in whatever state I am." (Phillipians 4:11) Can I say that? EEK. No. But I should be able to, and that is what I need to practice until it becomes a habit.
Anonymous wrote,
These people are whack. If you read the archives of their newsletter you may read Michael Pearl’s advice that if your husband molests your children he should go to jail but when he finishes his sentence you (the wife) should take him back into your home and bed.
Are you kidding?? Biblical? In Biblical times he’d be stoned!! In modern times he’d be lucky I didn’t kill him but left him to the authorities but take him back into my home and bed??
db
Link | May 23rd, 2005 at 4:38 am
vgarr wrote,
Hmmmmmm. I for one believe I am truly content with every thing…that is not to say I’d like things to be better. But for right now I know we are where God has placed us and there is great contentment. Truly for the most part I don’t long or even think of life being different. I am content with our vocation, our compensation there, and our position.
What a disservice we do our men when we are not content with how they provide for us. I can’t begin to imagine how they feel hearing us talk about how they don’t do enough.
Discontentment is a huge joy stealer. For me, I choose joy.
Link | May 23rd, 2005 at 7:49 am
razorbackmama wrote,
db,
I am not going to turn my blog into a Pearl Bashfest. There are plenty of blogs out there that do that, I’m sure. (I haven’t looked, but I’d be surprised if there weren’t.)
I’m limiting my comments to this book only, not to what others think about the Pearls or what they think about their other books or what they’ve heard the Pearls say, etc.
Link | May 23rd, 2005 at 3:24 pm
razorbackmama wrote,
Yes, Virginia, it is a disservice to our husbands when we do that. I cannot even imagine saying something that would indicate that I’m discontent with how my dh provides for us!!!
My discontentment honestly has nothing to do with him, however.
I’m envious of your contentedness!
Link | May 23rd, 2005 at 3:25 pm
Barbara wrote,
hi Kirsten, me again!
what is sort of obvious to me, and it seems to you also, is that these are all things we should do as Christians, not just as wives. As a wife, that adds another dimension and committment. I dunno, can’t we just read the Bible and decide for ourselves how we shall behave?
keep up the great review!
Link | May 23rd, 2005 at 5:06 pm
vgarr wrote,
Keer,
My contentedness has not come easy, or without it’s share of pain. But I’ve come out the other side and all I can is “The water’s fine.”
My contentedness actually somewhat surprises me. But it is there.
Link | May 23rd, 2005 at 9:13 pm
carol wrote,
“Winning the War in Your Spirit” by Bob Matthews is a good Christian growth book to read first to possibly open up hearts to what The Holy Spirit may wish to say through Debi Pearls’ book.
Debi Pearl’s book is not intended to speak the same to every woman, but it IS intended to say SOMETHING to EVERY woman, what ever the state of their marriages or attitudes are. That said, the book is full of things that we can’t relate to, but we sure can recognize there are women to whom they relate to (as anyone who has been another woman’s sounding board can attest). It’s like the bible, there will be situations we can relate to, and other’s that we cannot. But, we can’t expect everything to be only about us 100% of the time, and yes, I do think you are getting unduly annoyed when the Holy Spirit is using Debi to communicate with someone who may be able to relate. I think it’s Satan’s way of diverting your attention and diminishing your response to the prodding of the Holy Spirit in those things that are saying are putting you under conviction. The section on joy and habits of being joyful were certainly a section that spoke to me as well…
Link | May 29th, 2005 at 4:41 pm
razorbackmama wrote,
Sorry Carol, this book is NOT “like the Bible.” The Bible is the Living Word of God, and the Holy Spirit can speak to me through anything in it, even if I can “relate” to it or not. Debi Pearl’s book is just like any other BOOK - NOT the Living Word of God.
I have NOT said that I have not been gleaning things from this book. And I fully realize that some women are gleaning different things than I am. The attitude that Mrs. Pearl is ASSUMING that all women have toward their husbands (you big idiot, don’t you know any better; that jerk, I can’t believe he did xyz), no I cannot relate to at all, so I’m having trouble reading it since her assumption that all women think that way pervades nearly every chapter. I have heard from countless women who have flat out told me that this is THE book on a woman’s role in marriage, forget all others, etc. That, coupled with Mrs. Pearl’s insinuations that if we want to obey God’s Word, this is how to apply it, has made it difficult since I just cannot relate to that “my husband is a creep” mentality. (Nevermind that Mrs. Pearl’s methods will be the right way to apply the principle for some and the WRONG way to apply it for others!)
Please go back and reread my reviews and comments. I think you have skipped the parts that tell what the Holy Spirit has been convicting me of. I appreciate your desire to be my Holy Spirit, pointing out where my attention is being diverted and how my response is being diminished, but I don’t need one. I already have the Holy Spirit living within me, and He is doing His job just fine.
Link | May 29th, 2005 at 4:56 pm
MarinesWife wrote,
I’m also enjoying your reviews. I’ve read the book already and thoroughly enjoyed it. There were some things that left me going, HUH? and so I’ve enjoyed your reviews because you’ve been addressing my HUH’s.
I also agree with Carol though about the trash incident. When I read it I was a little appalled at the fact that he left the trash for her. And then I started thinking about the things that my husband has left for me - he often does projects around the house on the weekends but does not ever clean up when he is done. This has always irritated me and I would often leave the things but then I would stew on it.
Since reading that chapter I have learned a much better way of handling these aggravating things that our husbands do.
Link | May 31st, 2005 at 6:54 am
razorbackmama wrote,
Hi Melissa!
OH YES!!!!! I definitely agree that stewing about the annoying things that our husbands do is NOT the way to go, and, to put it bluntly, it’s sin.
I guess since the trash incident was such an outrageous example, I had a hard time relating her advice in that situation to the “normal annoying” situations that I’m confronted with. There is a difference between an everyday mess (like Corrie shared with her husband leaving his dirty laundry on the floor) and a REAL MESS such as this.
For example, a friend of mine, her husband would take the washcloth he used when he showered and just ball it up and leave it in the shower. Usually it would end up moldy. She did point it out to him a few times when they first married and she first discovered his “method,” you know, just in case he just didn’t realize it. But soon she just learned that this was the way he was, so she would simply hang it up for him everyday. She didn’t nag him, didn’t stew about it, just accepted it matter of factly and went on.
Or even to use the same trash scenario. An “everyday mess” would be (IMO) that she is taking the trash out everyday and that he isn’t. She could stew about it (”This is so gross, I can’t believe he’s making me do this, blah blah blah”). She could leave it, refusing to take the trash out. All she’d end up with is a bitter heart and a stinky mess in her kitchen. But she doesn’t do that - she has come to enjoy taking the trash out.
The difference in an everyday mess and this situation though is that Mr. Pearl made a REAL MESS (and yes, Carol, I DO KNOW that this is just a metaphor for several different situations!) and didn’t bother to help clean it up at all. Mrs. Pearl is saying that the “Biblical” way for a wife to respond is to not only not stew about it, but to happily clean it up as well. I agree with the first part, but not so much the second. It wouldn’t be UNbiblical for the wife to leave it, provided her attitude was correct.
Let’s use my friend’s washcloth example as a different scenario. Let’s say her husband comes home one day from work and is just covered in cow poop (which is very possible due to his job LOL). He goes into the bathroom to take a shower. He uses some washcloths to wipe off the cow poop before he gets in the shower. He not only leaves them just lying in the bathroom, he smears the cow poop all over the bathroom as he’s moving around. (So he’s not doing it maliciously, but just VERY carelessly.) He leaves his poop-caked (still moist) boots on the floor in the bathroom (which have also gotten cow poop all over the floor in the bathroom and all over the floor on the way TO the bathroom). He has poop on his jeans, and when he is moving around he gets it all over the walls. He takes his shower and then leaves the mess for her to clean up. After all, they’ve agreed that the bathroom falls under her household responsibilities.
So what is the Biblical response to her husband? Pretty much the only for SURE thing is that she is not to nag or yell or tell him off or even become bitter and grouse about it to herself (or to her friends either, i.e. “Can you believe what he did to me????????”). But to clean it up or NOT to clean it up. To say anything to him or NOT to say anything to him. That is the question. Mrs. Pearl (based on what she wrote in the trash scenario) says that the Biblical response would be for the wife to clean it up, period, and not say another word about it. I’m not saying that it’s UNbiblical to do that, but it’s also not unbiblical for a wife to leave it for him to clean up. It’s not unbiblical for her to say, “Hey, will you help me clean up this mess you made in the bathroom?” It’s not unbiblical for her to say, “Hey honey, could you be more careful next time?”
Does that make sense? There is just such a huge difference between little annoying habits of our husbands and something that is just so huge and uncaring. Our INTERNAL response needs to be the same - not showing anger, not complaining, not becoming bitter, etc. However, the Biblical response isn’t NECESSARILY cleaning up a Big Mess they have made, especially when the mess was a result of pride.
Link | May 31st, 2005 at 12:33 pm