Keer “Unplugged”

Created To Be His Help Meet - Chapter 2: 25 Comments

1. Kelli wrote,

   Thanks so much for writing these reviews Kirstin. Now I don’t have to buy the book, not that I was going to anyway.

   Link | May 16th, 2005 at 6:05 pm

2. Holly wrote,

   Hi Kirstin.

   I agree with you…I was reminded, too, to put back on that “merry” heart. I thought it good advice. I DO want to be not only the girl he married, but someone he considers even more attractive, because of growth and maturity. (And I’m not talking love handles, here.)

   I did not agree with the assumption that if the husband is having an emotional affair, all the woman needed to do was to be “better” than the other woman. I have talked to my husband about this, a lot, and he says “no way.” I have really struggled with this, anyway…there is no way that I could ever measure up to some of “society’s” women. There will always be a woman more beautiful, more s*xy, more…whatever. My husband loves me because I’m me…not because I’m “more” than an other woman. Now, a couple’s relationship may be lacking, and that may cause the man to run…but I don’t necessarily think the woman can fix it by “fixing herself up!” If a man’s heart is turned to lust, he needs God’s help to deal with it. He needs to completely seperate himself from this emotional affair. Mrs. Pearl doesn’t really ever say this. She seems to place the blame completely on the little woman at home.

   Link | May 17th, 2005 at 6:49 am

3. razorbackmama wrote,

   That’s just it, Holly! I fear for the woman whose husband leaves her, despite her efforts to be “more.” Will she always wonder if she did “enough?” Will she continue to blame herself since obviously she didn’t win her husband over?

   It’s not so much what Mrs. Pearl is saying, per se…it’s what she’s leaving out, I think. She doesn’t (not in this chapter anyway) discuss what to do/think/say if a husband chooses to leave anyway. So if a woman is vulnerable, she may mistakenly believe that the failure of her marriage is her fault, since if she just had “done enough,” her husband wouldn’t have left.

   That is just false guilt.

   The woman does need to concentrate on her own actions. She needs to keep a pure heart before God. She needs to bend over backwards to serve her husband, show him love, fight for him, etc. But let’s face it. Some husbands are just goobers. And a wife can only DO so much. If a husband chooses to leave anyway, the last thing the wife needs is false guilt because of a book saying “if you just do enough you’ll win your husband back.”

   *sigh* I WANT to be able to recommend this book wholeheartedly. But it’s like biting into a nice, juicy steak…and getting a big hunk of grizzle in the bite. The meat may be really good, but those bites of grizzle sure do ruin it a bit. I wouldn’t recommend a certain steak without a “hey, look out for the grizzle,” and it’s the same with this book.

   Link | May 18th, 2005 at 12:49 am

4. Threefold Cord wrote,

   I’m not totally “down” on the book. I think if a woman wants a happy marriage, with absolutely no other conditions…this advice will probably result in a happy marriage. There are many good things written in the book.

   I don’t necessarily think it will result in a happy RELATIONSHIP between a man and his wife, though. I think it allows a man to continue being selfish, and not sacrificing. I think it says that a man is just who he is…and doesn’t really need refinement from God. The woman, however, completely needs to deny her personhood and she will have a happy marriage. I find it hard to swallow. I instead believe that a happy marriage and husband/wife relationship is a result of God working in both lives. I believe that both should seek to sacrifice and love the other. I should clarify yet again that I have no trouble whatsoever with the teachings of submission and biblical authority. It is my highest privilege to serve my husband and find ways to help him and love him better.

   Link | May 18th, 2005 at 6:36 am

5. Allison wrote,

   Kirsten, I love your comments. No, I haven’t read the book, and probably won’t. But I agree with you AND Mrs. Pearl. Yes, a wife should be merry ad whatnot, but that doesn’t mean enabling your husband’s sin. There is to be a righteous indignation toward sin, and not a happy little heart that always says “everything’s okay”. The merry heart is definitely the first thing to try, but it doesn’t always work - I’ve learned that. And when it’s doesn’t work, it’s not necessarily the wife’s fault.

   Thanks for writing your review.

   Link | May 18th, 2005 at 7:45 am

6. razorbackmama wrote,

   Yes, Holly, that’s it, and I agree 100%!!! Some people are thinking that by my disagreeing with some of what she’s saying, that I’m disagreeing with all of it, and that is not the case at all! There ARE some good things in this book. But I can’t make a blanket recommendation for it without a disclaimer. SO MUCH depends on the wife’s personality, the husband’s personality, where they are coming from in their marriage, etc.

   For example, I honestly cannot relate to all the “bitter feelings” or hostility on the part of the wife that Mrs. Pearl keeps talking about, because I truly and honestly don’t have those types of feelings toward my husband. Sure there are things that annoy me, but do I go around making his life miserable or thinking he’s a total jerk for xyz or whatever? Oh my goodness NO!!!! But Mrs. Pearl doesn’t seem to be writing to women like me. She is approaching it as though all women have these hateful thoughts toward their husband. WHICH YES, I agree, IS WRONG. But what about those of us who don’t???

   And yes, I agree, I have no trouble with Biblical submission. The key word there is BIBLICAL.

   I’m not saying what Mrs. Pearl is teaching is UNbiblical per se…I’m finding it to be just too simplistic to apply in the vast array of situations/marriages.

   (Allison, I know you know what I’m talking about too! )

   Link | May 18th, 2005 at 11:17 am

7. vgarr wrote,

   Here’s a thought for you, “Just for today be happy”. I have two coffeecups with saucers that say that.

   Good reminder.

   (I don’t know nuff about anything to post on the book at all…..)

   Link | May 18th, 2005 at 8:30 pm

8. Anonymous wrote,

   I haven’t read the book, but I’d like to comment on some of your comments.

   Although I agree that we can’t take full responsibility for the state of our marriage or for our husband’s actions, keep in mind that it is NOT OUR job to correct our husbands or “train them up in the way they should go.” I don’t know any of you personally, so please don’t be offended. It has been my experience that, even though my husband is one of the most selfish people I have ever known, no matter what I do or don’t do, I will not convict him to change. ONLY GOD CAN DO THAT! I have learned to focus on MY heart, MY role as a good, godly wife, and PRAY, PRAY, PRAY for my husband. I have seen more change in him through the power of prayer in the last year than I did in the previous FIVE years of acting in a way that I thought would “motivate” him to change.

   Link | May 21st, 2005 at 6:57 am

9. razorbackmama wrote,

   Nope, not offended, because if you knew me even SLIGHTLY, you would know 100% that I would not ever even SUGGEST what you are saying. No, it is NOT our job to “train up” our husbands, since HE IS OUR HEAD! I never said anything even remotely resembling such a remark.

   Since you posted anonymously, I don’t know you either, but PLEASE be careful not to put words in people’s mouths (or I guess in this case, in their blogs ).

   Link | May 21st, 2005 at 10:20 am

10. Barbara (pokey) wrote,

    Kirsten…

    thanks for the honest reviews…i have been scratching my head over this book for a while…i have to say here that i am NOT a big Pearl fan (then why do i hang out in cyberspace with a bunch of women who are?;-))I think you can glean some wisdom, but for the most part, I’m not REALLY sure about the biblical absolutes she states…i read their child “training” book, and NOPE, not for me! But i love all my “cyber-Keepers” anyhow!

    Kirsten, i’m going to keep an eye on your “reviews”…in between CSI episodes!

    Link | May 22nd, 2005 at 2:50 pm

11. razorbackmama wrote,

    Thanks Barbara! Feel free to leave your comments as well - I’d love to hear what you think!

    Link | May 22nd, 2005 at 8:21 pm

12. Anonymous wrote,

    Hi! I guess I am Anonymous 2.

    Anonymous wrote some things where I totally agree. Some changes can only be affected through God. There is hardly a mention of prayer in the entire chapter. Perhaps that is an assumption but prayer is where I would start if there was ANY problem in my marriage.

    Link | May 23rd, 2005 at 3:50 am

13. Anonymous wrote,

    This “merry heart” teaching echos the “happy heart” parenting advice.

    What good is there in masking your true feelings by putting up a facade of constant happiness? If you’re sad, you should be able to “be” sad. Of what value is your true joyous moments when it is seemingly no different from your sad moments.

    We need to “own” our feelings instead of demonizing the feelings that are normal and healthy and given to us by our Creator. To make us “Merry” all the time is Stepfordesque in my mind.

    I will not use my feminine wiles on my husband, either.

    ….Nor will I worry about any female competition, why does Debbi Pearl need to demean her audience?

    db

    Link | May 23rd, 2005 at 4:35 am

14. Rebecca wrote,

    When I read the quote about being the cheerful, merry person my husband married, I had to laugh. So much marriage advice of that ilk simply does not apply in our situation.

    When we were first married, I was quite ill. (In fact, I had to go to the doctor on our wedding day, and I headed off on our honeymoon with several different medications, only to come down with yet another ailment requiring medical attention and more medications…)

    My husband thought I was humorless. Maybe I was. I was overly sensitive, to be sure. I was suffering physically, and coming off of an extremely exhausting and high stress job. Somehow, I’d managed to “throw together a wedding” during my half hour lunch breaks over an overly short (in my opinion) four month engagement.

    My husband and I barely knew each other. He told me, either on the honeymoon or shortly after, that he wanted a wife only and had no interest in being friends with me. (Some years later, he changed his mind about friendship.)

    It was not a great beginning.

    There is no way on earth that my husband wants a return of that young girl or the relationship we had then. No way.

    Link | May 23rd, 2005 at 9:45 am

15. razorbackmama wrote,

    I agree totally, “Anonymous 2!” And thanks for pointing that out - very little IS said about prayer in this book. In fact, I can’t even think of anything said about it so far (I’m about 11 chapters in).
    HOWEVER, perhaps that’s because the book is about changing US rather than changing our husbands??? (Not sure that’s why, just guessing - I’ll choose to believe the positive for now LOL!)

    Db,

    There is a difference between “owning our emotions” and fostering an attitude of “woe is me.” For me personally, it is FAR too easy to feel sorry for myself, and funny thing…the more I feel sorry for myself, the sorrier for myself I feel. Sometimes I just have to say, “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH” and CHOOSE to have a good attitude. So I can see where Mrs. Pearl is coming from with that.

    However, I fear for women who will take that to the extreme, and plaster on a smile when they are hurting inside. Part of being in a marriage is letting your husband in to know the real “you” and what makes you sad. If what makes you sad is your husband or his actions, you do need to be careful about how you put it, but you definitely can’t pretend that everything is peachy-keen. It’s not fair to your husband, it’s not fair to yourself, and it’s hazardous to your marriage.

    I’m with you on how she phrases some thing to demean other women. Some of the things she says in some of the chapters are quite tacky and rude.

    Link | May 23rd, 2005 at 3:36 pm

16. razorbackmama wrote,

    Rebecca,

    Bless your heart!!! LOL you and your dh sound like you were a barrel of laughs when you got married!
    Thanks for your comments - just another example of how this book isn’t applicable in every situation!

    Link | May 23rd, 2005 at 3:38 pm

17. Anonymous wrote,

    I’m definately not a “woe is me” type if I’m upset I’ll work out whatever is bothering me. I don’t “do” the plastic smiley face well but I rarely find the need but there *are* other women who are going through a heck of a lot more than I’ll ever go through and I just don’t think its fair to dismiss their pain the way Debbi Pearl does in her book.

    I understand this is a book directed toward women but there is, within the Christian concept of leadership, an element of sacrifical love that doesn’t seem to play its part in this book. Nor does Debbi Pearl convey any element of servant-leadership in her husband, Michael’s character (either within the pages of this book or on their webpage or newsletters.)

    Link | May 27th, 2005 at 5:29 am

18. razorbackmama wrote,

    Totally agree with you there! While I do know there ARE women out there who grouse around, feeling sorry for themselves, there ARE women out there with real problems (not even things involving their husbands), and you’re right, it’s as if Mrs. Pearl is telling them they need to pretend everything is peachy keen, lest they have a frown on around their husband. And look out if they do express sadness around their husband - he will most likely file for divorce and she’ll end up in a dumpy trailer with the kids.
    I haven’t read a whole lot of their materials, but I hear that Mr. Pearl has a tape for men????? I’m not sure about that though, nor do I know what he shares on the tape. In their most recent newsletter there is an article by their son (I’m guessing it’s their son anyway) about his sacrificial love for his wife. He sacrificed and let her go shopping at Walmart (something she apparently loves to do), while he went and hung out at a book store (he loves to read). That struck me as sort of “odd,” but as I said, I’m not sure what their actual teachings are about the husband’s role. But the impression I’m getting from Mrs. Pearl’s end of it is that it’s a skewed teaching.

    Link | May 27th, 2005 at 9:37 am

19. carol wrote,

    Man, someone missed the point again. You’re in chapter 2, (I’m working from top to bottom in the blog, thus travelling back in time) and cannot seem to work through this book without being a critical spirit. A woman can be submissive and doting, but a critical spirit is like a continual droppping (diahrrea comes to mind).

    Sigh. We women go out of our way to fix ourselves up to go out into public. However, too many assume once they’re married they don’t have to put forth an effort to look their best to their husbands. It tells their man they aren’t worth the effort. Add to that hitting him up with problems for him to solve when he comes home, you bet that is a recipe for disaster. Having read the book, Debi Pearls poing does not hinge on outward looks. AND she specifically says the man is not off the hook for emotional adultery, so to imply she lets him off the hook is just a plain act of bearing false witness. So is the claim “I did not agree with the assumption that if the husband is having an emotional affair, all the woman needed to do was to be “better” than the other woman.” That was YOUR assumption, not the book’s assumption.

    As you read, Debi says the real beauty of any woman comes from within, from her spirit. A butt ugly woman can be beautiful (Debi calls her hillbilly ugly). From what I am hearing, so many points are being missed and eclipsed with critical spirits that y’all need to go back and reread again. There are a ton of women who have emotionally abandoned their husbands (wittingly and unwittingly)…the situation applies to them. Don’t be so narcissitic to dismiss a section of the book written to certain women just because something doesn’t specifically apply to you.

    Link | May 29th, 2005 at 4:54 pm

20. razorbackmama wrote,

    Carol,

    I’m anxiously awaiting for the book to address my concerns, and believe you me, I will post if they do! So far I’m up to chapter 12 and it doesn’t, but I’m holding out hope anyway.

    The problem I’m having (which you call being narcissitic) is that this book is coming across as “this is what being a godly wife looks like” and then throwing in some Bible verses to prove her point. For some, YES, this is what it will look like. But not all. (And I’m not just talking about me here. I’ve talked to several women who feel the same way and who are just afraid to speak out for being called a Jezebel.) I hope to find as I read that Mrs. Pearl allows room for differences in family dynamics, the wife’s personality, the husband’s personality, his/her life’s experiences, etc. But SO FAR, based on what I’ve read, that is not the case. THAT is what I take issue with. It’s not as cut and dry as she makes it out to be. There are some things she says in the book, that when I had my husband read them, he flat out told me NO DO NOT DO THAT.

    Just as you have accused me of “missing the point,” you too have missed my point. That’s OK. I’m hoping that you came here to read an honest review (from a person who ISN’T pro-Pearl OR anti-Pearl), but I’m getting the impression that you came here to blast anyone who disagrees with anything the Pearls say. That’s OK too.

    Link | May 29th, 2005 at 5:10 pm

21. Little Women wrote,

    If it’s not too late to add to this, I have occasionally told my husband, “I shouldn’t say this–it will just make me feel better, and you miserable.” To which he always responds, “Why should you have to be the one who is miserable?”

    My point is just that many husbands do not WANT their wives to “put on a happy face” when they are miserable–they want to know and be a part of our lives, sorrow and all.

    That said, I do need the reminder to be more joyful and thankful, overall–it IS a Biblical command for life.

    Link | June 15th, 2005 at 6:23 pm

22. razorbackmama wrote,

    You know, I kind of was thinking the same sort of thing. While yes we need to be joyful in all circumstances, when we hide our sadness from our dhes (whether it has to do with them or not), it isn’t being truthful. How are we to be one with our dh when we are putting on this facade and not letting them see what is really going on?

    While I must strive for my thoughts and actions to be holy, I must also strive to let my husband in and see the real me.

    Link | June 15th, 2005 at 6:35 pm

23. Serena wrote,

    It looks like I’m jumping into this conversation almost 2 months after it was started, but I am really enjoying reading it. This book was given to me recently and in reading it, I definitely saw room for improvement in myself, but I was also disturbed about some things. You all have helped clarify it. My husband is graciously reading the book at my request and so far his response is quite negative to it. He has appreciated what I have read of this conversation to him and he agrees with the points made, too.
    In my understanding, being a hypocrite is putting on a different face. So when we hide our true selves and put on a different face, then we are being a hypocrite, aren’t we? I have a lot more I could say from personal experience about what she has written, but won’t do it now. I am totally for scriptural submission and have an excellent relationship with my husband. We are best friends and love each other. I find it a delight to submit to him, though he is not perfect and does do things that can cause me problems. Those I take to Father and if I feel they really need to be addressed, I take them to him in a gentle manner. I probably will eventually review this book myself on one of my blogs.
    Love and shalom,
    Serena

    Link | July 6th, 2005 at 11:28 am

24. razorbackmama wrote,

    Thanks for sharing, Serena!

    I think you hit the nail on the head - SCRIPTURAL SUBMISSION. What this book is teaching is not that. It’s close enough to sound “almost” right, which is where the danger lies.

    Heading over to your blog now.

    Link | July 6th, 2005 at 1:51 pm

25. Our Country Quest wrote,

    I jsut have to say THANK YOU for posting this commentary on this chapter. The joy stuff is head-on wonderful but the advice given to the lady who’s husband had the motional affair was vague and too “white-washed” of an answer. As a wife who has also gone through this, I can say that “standing for my rights” saved my marriage. Had I not confronted (in love) my husband I would have lost him to the other woman. He was DEEP into sin and didn’t see me anymore. He didn’t LOOK at me long enough to notice me smiling for goodness sake. A “pat” answer for a very difficult situation.

    Link | July 18th, 2005 at 12:35 pm